husband and wife

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Al Gore
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Mike Tyson
The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?
George Clooney
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Bill Clinton
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
George W. Bush
"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
Rudy Giuliani
"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
Michael Jordan
"I've had bad luck with all my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.” The third gave me more children!
Donald Trump
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Shaquille O’Neal
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
Kobe Bryant
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
David Hasselhoff
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Alec Baldwin
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Barack Obama
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Tommy Lee
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Brad Pitt
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
Jimmy Kimmel
“Honey, what happened to ‘ladies first’?” Husband replies, “That’s the reason why the world’s a mess today, because a lady went first!”
David Letterman
“First there’s the promise ring, then the engagement ring, then the wedding ring...soon after....comes Suffer...ing!
Jay Leno

Lý Sự

- Nếu một mai hai ta phải chết, anh nguyện người chết trước là em. Trước mẹt em anh xin nói một điều, nhỏ bạn em anh sẽ yêu tử tế!

- Bình tĩnh, tự tin, không cay cú. Âm thầm, chịu đựng, trả thù sau.

- Bất mãn về chiều cao, tự hào về bề rộng.

- Không phải ai xăm mình cũng xấu, nhưng những ngừoi xấu đều xăm mình.

- Tự hào từ hai bàn tay trắng, ta tạo nên ... vô số nợ

- Thất bại vì ngại thành công

- Đừng bi quan, trong cái rủi nó còn có cái ... xui

- Không cần mình đẹp, chỉ cần người khác xấu

- Sống là phải biết cho đi! Hãy cho đi tất cả những gì bạn có để rồi hối hận nhận ra rằng đòi lại sẽ rất khó!

- Không nên bán đứng bạn bè ... khi chưa được giá

- "Thuê bao quí khách vừa gọi... hiện đang ... nằm đè lên một thuê bao khác. Xin quí khách vui lòng gọi lại lúc khác"

- 1 ngày có 24 giờ, cho nên trong một két bia sẽ có 24 chai

- Anh xa em 30 ngày mà anh cứ tưởng chừng như ... nửa tháng.

- Quyết không yêu để dành tiền ăn học

- Chỉ có bia mới hiểu, bụng mênh mông nhường nào
Chỉ có bụng mới biết, bia đi đâu về đâu

- Em ơi có yêu anh thì nói mau lên để anh còn đi tỏ tình với mấy đám khác nữa.

- Nàng đẹp và thánh thiện làm sao, nàng ngây thơ và dễ thương làm sao, tôi rất thích nàng, và tôi đã phát hiện ra nàng trong trường ....mầm non mẫu giáo lớn

- "Em nai vàng ngơ ngác. Quần chết bác thợ săn"

Bài Toán

This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience.
It has an indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud.
This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.

Những người đàn ông

Những người đàn ông tốt lại thường xấu xí,

Còn những người đàn ông đẹp trai thì lại thường không tốt.

Những người đàn ông vừa đẹp trai lại vừa tốt lại thường là kẻ đồng tính.

Còn những người đàn ông vừa đẹp trai, lại vừa tốt, không phải là kẻ đồng tính thì thường đã cưới vợ mất rồi

Những người đàn ông không đẹp trai lắm, nhưng là người tốt thì lại thường không có tiền

Nhưng những người đàn ông không đẹp trai lắm, nhưng là người tốt và có tiền thì lại thường nghĩ rằng phụ nữ theo đuổi họ chỉ vì tiền bạc

Những người đàn ông đẹp trai, không có tiền bạc chỉ theo đuổi phụ nữ chỉ là để "đào mỏ"

Những người đàn ông đẹp trai, mà không tốt lắm, không phải là người đồng tính, thì lại không nghĩ rằng phụ nữ là người đẹp

Những người đàn ông nghĩ rằng chúng ta đẹp, lại không là người đồng tính, cũng có thể hơi tốt và có tiền, lại thường là những kẻ nhát gan, sợ phụ nữ

Những người đàn ông hơi đẹp trai, hơi tốt và có một số tiền nào đó và cảm ơn Chúa họ không đồng tính, thì thường rất nhút nhát và không bao giờ đi bước đầu tiên

Nhưng những người đàn ông mạnh bạo đi bước đầu tiên, thì khi phụ nữ khởi động họ lại hết hứng...

Thơ Chú Cuội và Hằng Nga.

Mùa hè trời nóng cháy da
Hằng Nga ngồi dựa gốc đa mệt đừ
Ngủ gà, ngủ gật ngắc ngư
Áo xiêm tung xổ, lờ mờ thịt da
Thằng Cuội trông thấy xuýt xoa
Nguyên một khoảng rốn Hằng Nga trắng hồng.
Cuội sờ thấy mịn như bông
Xoa đi xoa lại, mặt trông dại khờ
Hằng Nga chợt tỉnh, làm ngơ
Thằng Cuội vẫn cứ tỉnh bơ xoa hoài
Hằng Nga tát mấy bạt tai
"Cái đồ đần độn, chả ai như mày
Cái rốn thì có gì hay
Sao không xuống khoảng gang tay, hả ... Khờ"

==============================

Thằng Cuội nghe thế mới rờ....
Một gang vừa đúng! Thẩn thờ như mơ.
Trời ơi Cuội đâu có ngờ
Hôm nay Cuội đã được sờ Hằng Nga!
Hằng Nga đi Thái hôm qua
Đẽo trên, vạc dưới, quên cha "khúc" này,
Vầng trăng có...'bóng', khuyết đầy!
'Bóng' trăng là vậy, 'bóng' trần đây thế nào ?

Rearrange letters

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE


AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:


MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:

WOMAN HITLER

Why...

Thanks PC for this funny e-mail! ;)

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are almost dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they already know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars; but have to check when you say the paint is still wet?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE.......
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

The Bus Ride

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes & one of all Brunettes, charter a double-Decker bus for a weekend trip to Louisiana...

The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, & the Blonde team rode on the top level.

The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decided to go up & investigate.

When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.

The brunette asked, "What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!"

One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard & whispered....

"YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!!"

Court Humor

These are from a book called Disorder in the American courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _______

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _______

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _______

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _______

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _______

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _______

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year- old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _______

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you kidding me?

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _______

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _______

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you kidding me? Your Honour, I think I need a different
attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _______

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _______

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ ______

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _______

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _______

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _______

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _______

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _______

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Dấu phảy

Dấu phảy trong Việt Ngữ:

Mỗi gia đình có 2 con, vợ chồng hạnh phúc"

Nếu chuyển vị trí của dấu phảy, sẽ thành:

"Mỗi gia đình có 2 con vợ, chồng hạnh phúc"

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

Dấu phảy trong Anh Văn: Woman without her Man is nothing

Người Đàn Ông sẽ đọc là: "Woman! Without her Man, is nothing.”

Còn người Đàn Bà sẽ đọc là: “Woman! Without her, Man is nothing.”

Husband & Wife

Poems written by WIFE & HUSBAND.

WIFE:
I wrote your name on sand it got washed.
I wrote your name in air, it was blown away. Then
I wrote your name on my heart & I got Heart Attack.


HUSBAND:
God saw me hungry, he created pizza.
He saw me thirsty, he created Pepsi.
He saw me in dark, he created light.
He saw me without problems, he created YOU.


WIFE:
Twinkle twinkle little star
You should know what you are
And once you know what you are
Mental hospital is not so far.

HUSBAND:
The rain makes all things beautiful.
The grass and flowers too.
If rain makes all things beautiful
Why doesn't it rain on you?


WIFE:
Roses are red; Violets are blue
Monkeys like u should be kept in zoo.
Don't feel so angry you will find me there too
Not in cage but laughing at you.

Friend in need is repaid w/ bitter disappointment

DEAR ABBY: Please print this for me on behalf of myself and all the other well-intentioned folks out there who have lent money to others.

"Dear Friend, Family Member or Co-Worker: You came to me in a state of panic -- unable to make your car payment, pay your lawyer's fee, your taxes or the light bill. You asked for my help. I gave it to you because I respected and trusted you enough to go out on a limb for you. Please honor your promise to repay me without my having to ask you.

"Please don't show up in a new car or with photos on your new cell phone from your exotic vacation until I have been repaid. Please don't invent a reason to be 'mad' at me, as if that erases the loan. And please do not ask for another loan while you still owe me money!"

Abby, I know you'll say I should have drawn up official papers for the loan but, the truth is, few people expect to be shafted by the people they care about. All someone who owes money has to do is pick up the phone, initiate a payment plan and then stick to it. -- FEELING USED IN NEW BRIGHTON, PA.

DEAR FEELING USED: Your problem isn't a new one. William Shakespeare wrote, "Neither a borrower nor a lender be." I would be remiss if I didn't stress to you -- and the rest of my readers -- the importance of talking to a lawyer or CPA before lending any significant amount of money to anyone. (By "significant" I mean any amount that you can't afford to lose.) If papers are drawn up and for some reason the borrower is unable to repay the loan, there could be a tax benefit for the lender.

To be 6 again...

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

"I'd like to be six again", she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms & then took her to Six Flags theme park.

What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries & a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, & her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband & collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile & lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being six again?"

Her eyes slowly opened & her expression suddenly changed.

"I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!"

Italian Tomato Garden

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son & described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.

Love,

Papa


A few days later he received a letter from his son:


Dear Pop,

Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.

Love,

Vinnie


At 4AM the next morning, FBI agents & local police arrived & dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man & left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.


Dear Pop,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love you,

Vinnie

21 REASONS WHY THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE IS HARD TO LEARN

21 REASONS WHY THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE IS HARD TO LEARN

The bandage was wound around the wound.

The farm was used to produce produce.

The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

We must polish the Polish furniture.

He could lead if he would get the lead out.

The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

He thought it was time to present the present.

A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

I did not object to the object.

The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

They were too close to the door to close it.

The buck does funny things when the does are present.

A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

After a number of injections my jaw got number.

Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2010 when...

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2010 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave..

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3..

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you...

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends & family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway & use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic & you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning & go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You're reading this & nodding & laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

AND NOW YOU'RE LAUGHING AT YOURSELF.

Go on, forward this to your friends. You know you want to.

Who can give better definitions?!!

Definitions:

School:
A place where Papa pays and Son plays.

Life Insurance:
A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die Rich.

Nurse:
A person who wakes u up to give you sleeping pills.

Marriage:
It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters.

Divorce:
Future tense of Marriage.

Tears:
The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine waterpower.

Lecture:
An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through 'the minds of either'.

Conference:
The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise:
The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Dictionary:
A place where success comes before work.

Conference Room:
A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.

Father:
A banker provided by nature.

Criminal:
A guy no different from the rest... except that he got caught.

Boss:
Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Politician:
One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.

Doctor:
A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by bills.

Classic:
Books, which people praise, but do not read.

Smile:
A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Office:
A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Yawn:
The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Etc.:
A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Committee:
Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Experience:
The name men give to their mistakes.

Atom Bomb:
An invention to end all inventions.

Philosopher:
A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.